I have always loved horses. From my earliest memories, these magnificent animals held me spellbound. But my experiences with horses over the years pushed me away from them, not because my feelings had changed, but because the treatment I witnessed, and was expected to administer in my interactions with them, felt out of alignment with my values and feelings toward them.
This summer, I had the privilege of participating in an equus coaching session with life coach Erika Isler. I’ve explored many varieties of life coaching—and there are a lot—but I have to admit, before meeting Erika, I had no idea there was such a thing as life coaching with horses. What a beautiful surprise, not to mention an eye opening and enriching experience. Below are some highlights and insights from my time with the herd under Erika’s coaching and guidance.
Entering “Their World”
Erika made it clear that once we entered the pasture with the horses, we would be “in their world.” There is no denying, I was nervous. Erika asked if I felt centered, and I did not. She asked if I felt grounded and I did not. I was out of my element in “their world.”
Was I giving my power away to the horses? Of course I was. I was afraid of them. If I have fear of something, that thing has my power.
So then one of the horses walked over to check me out, and it put its head down and pressed its forehead into my torso. And as I was thinking, “I wonder what’s happening,” that horse (not-so-gently) nudged me backward. Erika said that it could have been an attempt at a scratch, but she read it as saying, “You’re not here.”
Balancing Act
So that was pretty profound because that horse was right. I was standing back waiting for the horses to have some kind of a reaction to me—feeling not one ounce of energetic connection, because I was in fear. Nervousness is fear. Of all the rest that was to come, that was my Ah-Ha moment, because you can’t fake it with horses. You might not know that you’re not present, but they sure do.
And let’s face it, my only guidance on how to interact with these magnificent creatures over the years has been that you have to overpower them and “show them who’s boss.” And I don’t believe in controlling or overpowering, and I don’t believe in “boss.”
So this was my first and only ever interaction—over a lifetime of loving adoration and fascination with these beautiful animals—this was my first interaction with them that actually felt good and made sense to me in terms of kindness, reciprocity, curiosity, and respect.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with something that you fear. I don’t want them to fear me. But also, I can’t fear them. I now recognize that my history with power imbalance affected the way I approached horses. In not wanting to overpower, I have historically underpowered.
A Map Back to Life
So, the thing is that I love horses, but I did not know how to interact with them. Therefore, my approach was, “What do they want?”
And Erika then asked me, “What do you want from them?” She encouraged me to approach it all from a standpoint of how it maps to real life and my interactions and approach there. That’s when I realized, I have not approached people in my life from a perspective of “What do I want?”
This was conditioning, I informed her. What we were dealing with out in that wide-open pasture among a medley of geldings on a sun-soaked July day, as she was well aware, were core survival wounds.
Watching the horses interact with each other helped me to understand how the balance works. And over the course of our time, Erika helped me to expand my window of tolerance and go from tentatively approaching and touching them from an arm’s length to confidently approaching and reading their body language for signs of receptiveness.
The Gift of Connection
The first time I made the tiniest gesture to approach a horse I had chosen to connect with, two other horses blocked the path. The one closest—the smaller paint—was the one who then circled around to approach me. When I reached out to touch his shoulder, he swung his head around to briefly nuzzle my hand, and Erika said, “Was that a connection?” I honestly didn’t know.
I did have a moment where I walked up to one of the horses and, suddenly, something released. I don’t know if it was tension—perhaps it was the fear—but in that split second, the connection happened. The veil went down, and the horse was like, “OK. This is authentic. I see you. I get you. The end.”
And I mean, based on what I’ve seen and heard about them working with people with disabilities or grief or PTSD, as long as what those people are feeling is authentic, the horse is there for them.
This experience showed me that, after years of inner work directly related to authentic self-expression, I still battle with my fear of being seen. I am not always aware when I put on a mask. How, I wonder, can the horses know? But it’s we who have to know. We have guides, like Erika, to tell us when the horse is saying, “You’re not here.”
Tangible Energy
Toward the end of our session, Erika guided me to experiment with my own energy. She asked me to fill myself up with what it feels like when I’m going to perform, and I feel like I’m going to screw it all up and am freaking out. She then guided me to approach the horse with that energy.
After trying this, she said to imagine that I am about to perform, but this time I’m ready to go. I have it all together and I’m super excited and primed to connect. Approach the same horse, she guided, with that kind of energy.
This was the exercise that floored me. I saw it. I felt it. I experienced it working.
Each and every time I approached a horse with fear, that horse presented as fearful in response, or, at the very least, skeptical. When I approached that same horse with joy—mere seconds later—it either didn’t react at all, or it reacted in a way that felt accepting as opposed to questioning.
Their reactions are not masked or guarded or subconsciously conditioned. They are in-real-time authentic. So, when I approach a horse with fear energy, and they swing their head up to look straight at me, and I feel the energetic wall go up, that’s real. I know to give that horse its space. That’s tangible.
What a fascinating, not to mention practical approach to energy work. I have been so interested in exploring this, but it never occurred to me that my learning moment would come in the midst of a herd of horses. And the mind-blowing thing for me personally is that it’s about connection, interaction, reciprocity, respect.
No Healed, Only Healing
Those of us who are on the healing journey know that it’s ongoing. We are seekers, lifelong learners. We get so far on the path before we turn around and “throw the rope” to the person who isn’t quite there yet. We share what we’ve learned, and we keep on learning. Erika called this “the Sherpa method.”
This session revealed to me some areas that I will bring more awareness to in my life and interactions, moving forward—the balance of power with which I approach people and situations, and that deeply rooted fear of being seen. Out in the pasture, those horses accepted me when I released the fear (i.e., let down my guard), and I was only able to do that once I felt safe.
Authenticity is the only path to real connection. The cool thing about working with horses is they don’t let you wear a mask. As far as the horse is concerned, if you are not being your true, authentic, one hundred percent intrinsically worthy self, “You’re not here.”
Check out Erika’s work and book a session via https://www.erikaisler.com/