This morning, during a conversation with a friend and fellow life coach, I had an “ah-ha” moment that has me deepening my thoughts around perfectionism. This is often a trauma response, by the way.
One of the songs I wrote a few years ago, in the midst of my own journey, details the different ghosts that haunt various family members through generations, and my “ghostie,” as I lovingly as possible refer to her, turned out to be perfectionism.
Some of my lyrics and recordings will be available to members of the creative repowerment community as we create our various works in safe space together.
I’ve written about my inner perfectionist, somewhat flippantly, here in this blog, and while all I said was true, there is something more sinister to the story. And by sinister, I mean buried so deeply under the conscious surface that she still has the power to run the show, like a puppet master, without the approval of my prefrontal cortex.
This subconscious, or maybe even unconscious patterning is wired so deeply into my nervous system that there are times when I am physically unable to do something I very much want to do, like performing my songs at an open mic, for example.
I’m working through it, but the barriers I face are fascinating, ranging from a dull sense of apathy to actual symptoms of physical illness. This is some serious fear!
So, I was talking to this friend, who was having trouble taking a step that seemed to her like it should be quite easy, but that she had been putting off for reasons that continued to escape her. What’s the babiest baby step that each of us could take toward the tiniest attainment of our goals? We pondered together. And that’s when the “ah ha” hit me.
Safety. Vulnerability. Perfectionism.
When these moments come up and we find ourselves unable—and I mean physically unable—to do the thing we want to do, the block is a survival strategy that’s been baked into our nervous system like the yeast is baked into the bread. Once the bread is baked, the yeast cannot be extracted. So what are we going to do about it?
Well, luckily, we’re human beings, and not bread. So there are things we can do about it. Learning to recognize and acknowledge when and where the blocks arise is a great first step. Once we know where the blocks are, we can find ways to create a sense of safety around what it is that we know we want.
But she’s a tricky trauma response, this level of perfectionism that lurks so far beneath the surface that we do not see or hear her. She’s a shape-shifting charlatan who can lure us into believing that we don’t want that thing we thought we wanted after all.
Her job is to protect us, at all costs, from the danger of being vulnerable, of being seen or heard, of being our true self. And she is a perfectionist, so she’s pretty damned good at her job.
All this got me to thinking about the creative repowerment community I’ve (soft) launched and gave me a deeper understanding of what it’s all about. There’s a reason Phase I is “The Playground Plan,” and that is to create the container in which members can safely explore those barriers that are holding us back from reaching our highest potential. The barriers that are blocking us from our purpose.
This may not present as perfectionism for everyone. It may not present at all, depending on what part of the iceberg we’re talking about. If it’s too deeply submerged, we will not know how to name it, yet.
The creative repowerment community is a closed container for highly sensitive women and heart-centered leaders to safely explore and create among supportive, like-minded people. The Playground Plan is where the journey begins.
Now open at a discounted rate for founding members, The Playground will remain open to all members at any stage of the creative process, to return to whenever that safe container for play and exploration is needed, and I suspect, from personal experience, that it will be :)
Please feel free to contact me with questions and visit the landing page for more info. Below are the links!
Creative Repowerment Community: https://community.creativerepowerment.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/taracaimiauthor
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taracaimi